Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
I agree though, his intact virginity is truly the tragedy of the century.
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
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