The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
Megan brought her friend up last night, greeted her by drunkedly taking a piss all over her duffle bag of clothing
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
Randomize
