i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
Man, jail baloney is awful.
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
No. 70% of the female population would find them attractive. The other 30% are lesbian and even they would appreciate them for their strong bodies and athletic capabilities.
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
i realized my signature handshake has now become a hookup. i love what college has done to me.
Randomize