My friends, they love my intelligence
i think my tv is drunk
I was unaware that a tutu and pasties was appropriate attire to this
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
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