I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
she had the hairiest bush ive ever seen. it looked like a spoiled head of lettuce.
no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
Sorry I wasn't really responding earlier. I was really fucking high and so into that car chase.
jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
We are all done wearing pants today
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
Randomize
