I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
I knew her barely 30 minutes before we got naked. This whole fraternity thing is starting to grow on me...
Wella between the drunkards, the inevitable slutty costumes, and someone doing a BODY SHOT OFF A PREGNANT GIRL, i lost my halloween spirit. Bah humbug.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
We just had a sexually tense moment where we both chose the trough the pee. I love gay clubs.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
No. No. No. No one's allowed to fuck in the yurt.
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
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