i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
I think I won the penis lottery.
at a bonfire and someone threw a plastic cup in the fire. everyone immediately stopped what they were doing to yell collectively at him about what he was doing to the environment, then went back to drinking
only in oregon
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
God Help those hot young girls. It's going to be like Bambi in iraq. Except worse.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
She insisted we fuck to Ludacris, not how I imagined popping her lesbian cherry would be. I tried delt and I liked it.
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
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