There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
I'm a full-grown woman and thusly I expect my sphincters to behave themselves.
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize
