so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
Joe decreed the livingroom and the hallway up to the burn mark his kingdom. I think this is the point of 'stage an intervention'
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
BTW my friend remembers her as "the one with the pronounced chin"
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
Randomize
