Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
yup put them legs up on your shoulders and eat her like some folgers
eat her like coffee?
you were grabbing cocks left and right
you literally grabbed sam's dick and said, "who's cock is this?!"
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
No, I'm never going to get a job bc I don't know anything about public relations except that Chris Crocker wants everyone to leave Britney alone.
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
I walked out ot my car in the morning thinking there was a sandwich I left there from yesterday. Then later that day I was checking the mail and saw the other side of my car :/
It concerns me the most that u were potentially going to eat a day old car sandwich.
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
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