ohhhh fuckk. chicks a dude.
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
I need a genital shamwow being this wet.
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
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