who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
ur penis kinda felt like a vagina to me
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
Her boyfriend was hitting on other girls while drunk. But, she said she was okay with it because she is a feminist and she supports all women's decisions.
he had me stop mid-blow job to make me use my phone to id a song on the radio..
i wasnt really sure how to responde to that.
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
so i ran into nick. i may be more gay than anticipated
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
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