Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
i would like you to please flash back to us blacked out in the bathroom when you told me i needed to take one for the team and have a threesome with you and jon to help your relationship. you then told me you had no issue putting ghb in my drink to make it happen.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
Randomize
