Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
Randomize
