if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
sooo what's the appropriate music to listen to after you find out the dude you been fucking, is legit married with kids...what genre is that?
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
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