You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
Yeah, all the sudden I heard a loud "ding" and realized I had been passed out on the dorm elevator for about an hour....
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
Is it good porn? Or is it more of that fucked up Cabbage Patch Doll porn you made us watch
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
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