Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
All three roommates are gay and in women's studies. Ive already been informed that all penetration is rape. This is not the college experience I signed up for.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
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