i'm signing you up for texting rehab
You're the unicorn of the gay community. Unbelievable and unattainable.
every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
Randomize
