Exactly how deep of a burn should you have when you pee before becoming legitimately concerned?
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
It's not a good hook up if during you're thinking "how will this damage me psychologically"
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
