At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
But if you move out who will get drunk with me on the roof and yell at boys?!?
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
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