I wannas sexs uuuuu
i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
Just woke up and stopped at the WaWa in Virginia. Had major morning wood and didn't try to hide it when walking around. So many awkward stares.
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
"You can go raw dog up in me". Exact words. I can't decide whether to run, or fuck. Help.
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
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