Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
Thanks, college. Tonight's decisions brought to you by margs in a nalgene.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
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