Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
Randomize
