I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
Well I disagree, 3 different men in my bed over my birthday was the perfect way to say goodbye to my childhood innocence
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
I mean there are real risks associated with having unprotected sex, but I don’t think I need to worry about a ghost possessing me and having unprotected sex while using my body
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
Randomize