watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
spring break - time to see if my two week detoxing gave my liver a chance to recover.
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
It was rough. I have dried puke in my hair and I don't know if it's mine or from the girl I met on the ground waiting for a cab.
Sex in the moonbounce later?
This is why I love you.
It's seriously like a finger. But it's a cock. I don't know what to do. I feel like I fuck him to be polite.
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
Randomize
