Hi, this is ****, we hooked up a few weeks ago. I was wondering, do you have any STDs?
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
We're not piercing ourselves today.
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
I mean seriously with your cock and my tits combined we could rule the world. Pinky and the brain style
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
Randomize
