She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
Im gonna go for the gay guy. The ginger is freaking me out.
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
Randomize
