OKAY SO WHENEVER I SEE AN UGLY COUPLE I ALWAYS WONDER WHAT THEY SAY TO EACH OTHER IN BED. creepy?
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
Randomize
