It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
My dad got me a charm braclet....his way of trying to support my gayness....
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
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