the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
I won't apologize to a one balled man
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
We shared a dick. We're practically sisters!
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
Randomize
