At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
............HELP Ive been abducted by vodka and its poisoning my brain fat chicks are getting cute and i slept with my sisters friend who slightly resembles john kerry....,,help
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
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