i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
I have already put on my inside pants.
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
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