It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
But what is a man profited, if he should gain Joe Biden and lose Alex Trebek?
Randomize
