i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
Randomize
