I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Randomize