You feel like going out tonight?
Does a 14yr-old girl look good beat up? I'll bring the handle
Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
If i could bang her from 80ft away, I would
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
We need to find out what drug we took so we can take it everyday from here on out
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
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