y did u give ur computer a hand job?
im pretty sure one of the guys i was dancing with at graffiti wrote on my back "you rock". now feel like a danced with a 5 year old.
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
I recommend just blowing him. It's always the way to go.
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Randomize
