I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
The night ended with a lot of tears and everyone singing along to Willenium
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
My professor is wearing skinny jeans, orange socks and just said penetration. I don't know what to think
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Randomize
