saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
he has officially spend more money on me than any other boy. and its all gone to plan b. awesome.
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
This amicable friendliness is dull. We either need to start fighting or fucking around. I'll even let you pick.
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
Randomize