My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
Rosemary is literally sitting on the ground holding on to the rug because she thinks she is going to fall if she lets go. We smoked way too much.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
Come get me...at gazebo by side entrance....im passed out in a bush...this is a Bar A bouncer texting for your buddy
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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