I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
They normally just get fucked up and see who can hold their hand on the exhaust the longest. It's great
Given everything we have talked about, is it wrong to ask you to be faithful to me, despite still dating him?
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
Two of my dealers just made friends at this party. Do you think one will be pissed if I buy from the other or should I just go 50/50?
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
Randomize
