where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
it's too hot outside to masturbate.
i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
i think the fact that he graduated high school the year i graduated elementary school is sexy.
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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