Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
Theres a disney princess moonbounce on karen st. and I'm drinking beer at a little league field. this might end with me in jail.
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
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