How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
the lady in the checkout infront of me had a case of beer, two 40 oz, and activia...really??i dont' think irregularity is her problem
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
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