time to smoke my breakfast
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
Pillow talk was a high five, this morning she made dinosaur muffins for the house. I love chapel hill
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