our cab driver is having phone sex.
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
You have to summon your inner elephant
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
Idk... I'm not sure why anyone would use a flesh light in general. Let alone hook it up to a wifi device.
Randomize
