Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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