I bet him anal if they won...the one time Detroit decides to win, it had to be this week
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
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