This guy sitting next to me just bought a plot of land off the internet. On a whim. In the middle of class
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
Kinda felt bad though cuz she whimpered and shuttered a lot, i felt like i was kicking a puppy, only the puppy liked it and came a bunch
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
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