Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
Dude i'm seriously thinking about his nipples.
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
Randomize
