Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
Well I thought I'd be nice but yeah I'm not a fan of you either you're an arrogant stupid cocky unfunny loser. Don't talk to me you're crazy
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
Randomize
