Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
I feel kinda awkward using the Sesame Street themed Google to search for hot young pussy...
somehow I got talked into dressing up like a hot dog, spinning around ten times, and shooting lay ups in front of thousands of students
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
Randomize
