You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
It is not a successful senior year unless you show up to campus without pants at least once, right?
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
so i may or may not have just had sex on the stage of the lecture hall....
Randomize
