someone threw a dead crab at me
Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
Yep. It's going to be us, strippers, and drag queens.
A glittery, gay, heavily makeuped, scantily dressed clusterfuck.
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
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