she woke up with a sticky ear
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
he likes to slap my ass alot untill he missed and hit his own balls poor bastard kept on going.
Only you would think wine and coffee was an acceptable finals study time mix
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
Between the hair pulling and the choking its its more like combat than sex
Sorry I have an "Operation Iraqi Freedom" fantasy
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
come over we're fb stalking guys who were dressed as bananas last night because i can't remember which one i blew
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
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