I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
did the walk of shame through a baseball field. .A little league game was going on. Proceeded to buy a hot dog at the concession stand. the looks were priceless.
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
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