she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
Okay so.. What's with me and guys who have more than 2 nipples
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
We need a shit load of segways right now
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
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