Just saw an Asian kid crash into the bike rack with his bike. I love sitting outside the engineering building.
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
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