um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
ah, there's nothing like waking up to picture messages of a strange man's cock. life is good.
haha, that's fucked up. flacid cock pictures are the mental breakfast of champions.
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
I am going to go back to drinking and listneing to Hanson now. Maybe crying. Or perhaps Full House reruns
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
