I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
we're havin a 400 loko party for joe pa's 400th win. come get loko
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
Randomize
